It's almost our second Christmas without Kit. It feels really no different than the first other than the fact that I know I've done this before and we can do it again. It doesn't feel any less painful to not buy him a present, to not write his name on the Christmas list, or to see things in the stores that he would like and not need to buy them. I'm not sure it will ever feel any different, every Christmas will just accentuate the fact that Kit isn't with us anymore.
Last night a friend asked me what I was going to do today and I told her that at some point I was going to go to decorate Kit's tree at his grave. She just said 'I can't imagine doing that or having that part of my Christmas.' I felt badly after, like I had made her feel sad. But it wasn't what I was looking for. For me his grave and tree are part of my life and I sometimes just feel like hanging out there, I forgot for a moment that for others it's just too scary to think about anyone decorating a tree at their sons grave. I was just thinking that if it was a nice day it would be a nice time to decorate it and that I feel good when it's done. I know Kit's not there, but it is a place I can make festive for him. If he's out there, he sees it and although he would be far more likely to hang out here than at his grave I know it would make him happy to see his resting spot cared for. Anyhow - it was a rainy dismal day and I was busy so I will go tomorrow. Yes - I will be sad there, but also glad to do something just for him. And don't be sad for me, Christmas is a time to be joyful. Feel free to come hang a decoration with me!
