It's almost our second Christmas without Kit. It feels really no different than the first other than the fact that I know I've done this before and we can do it again. It doesn't feel any less painful to not buy him a present, to not write his name on the Christmas list, or to see things in the stores that he would like and not need to buy them. I'm not sure it will ever feel any different, every Christmas will just accentuate the fact that Kit isn't with us anymore.
Last night a friend asked me what I was going to do today and I told her that at some point I was going to go to decorate Kit's tree at his grave. She just said 'I can't imagine doing that or having that part of my Christmas.' I felt badly after, like I had made her feel sad. But it wasn't what I was looking for. For me his grave and tree are part of my life and I sometimes just feel like hanging out there, I forgot for a moment that for others it's just too scary to think about anyone decorating a tree at their sons grave. I was just thinking that if it was a nice day it would be a nice time to decorate it and that I feel good when it's done. I know Kit's not there, but it is a place I can make festive for him. If he's out there, he sees it and although he would be far more likely to hang out here than at his grave I know it would make him happy to see his resting spot cared for. Anyhow - it was a rainy dismal day and I was busy so I will go tomorrow. Yes - I will be sad there, but also glad to do something just for him. And don't be sad for me, Christmas is a time to be joyful. Feel free to come hang a decoration with me!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
300 Days
I was just sitting at my computer looking at the website www.365Grateful.com which I think is really neat and an idea I would like to copy, and then I started looking up information on being grateful and ended up with a lot of blogs on gratitude. That made me think of this blog. I haven't written in so long. I have missed it, but when I come here to write I can't think of anything to write that doesn't end up with me missing Kit and being sad. So I thought today that although I'm so sad that Kit is not with me anymore I can still be grateful for all the other blessings in my life. And for sure I'm so grateful that Kit was with us for his 23+ years or 8,724 days.
It's interesting how a date like January 1st can mean so much. It's just another day, but it's the start of a new year. I don't generally make New Years resolutions (mostly because I can't keep them) but I do think each January 1st about what is to come and what has been. 2013 was a horrible year. Well the last 298 days of it anyways. I will always miss my beautiful boy but I think that in order to move forward I have to try to find ways to be grateful for what I have instead of being angry/sad at what I have lost. I am going to try to be more aware of those small blessings and moments of joy in my life. And maybe through that I can spread more joy to others.
Yesterday, January 1st I went to the new Ripley's Aquarium in Toronto with Robyn and Dave. It was awesome, but VERY crowded. Lots of families taking advantage of the holiday to spend time together somewhere warm. It was memorizing seeing all the fish swimming around. Big and little and every colour of the rainbow. We saw this beautiful dragon fish. What an amazing animal, so intricate and graceful.
Today we had two visitors. Lisah our niece came for lunch and we shared some hugs and love. Dave's oldest brother Bob came over unexpectedly and it is great to catch up and have him spend the night, and also we took the kids out for dinner tonight. Robyn's last dinner at home with us before she goes back to Old's for school.
I'm so grateful for family, for the love and support they have given me all my life and especially over the last 300 days. I'm grateful for all I've learned since then and hopefully through this blog and other ways I will be able to share some of that with others and move forward in a positive way.
It's interesting how a date like January 1st can mean so much. It's just another day, but it's the start of a new year. I don't generally make New Years resolutions (mostly because I can't keep them) but I do think each January 1st about what is to come and what has been. 2013 was a horrible year. Well the last 298 days of it anyways. I will always miss my beautiful boy but I think that in order to move forward I have to try to find ways to be grateful for what I have instead of being angry/sad at what I have lost. I am going to try to be more aware of those small blessings and moments of joy in my life. And maybe through that I can spread more joy to others.
Yesterday, January 1st I went to the new Ripley's Aquarium in Toronto with Robyn and Dave. It was awesome, but VERY crowded. Lots of families taking advantage of the holiday to spend time together somewhere warm. It was memorizing seeing all the fish swimming around. Big and little and every colour of the rainbow. We saw this beautiful dragon fish. What an amazing animal, so intricate and graceful.
Today we had two visitors. Lisah our niece came for lunch and we shared some hugs and love. Dave's oldest brother Bob came over unexpectedly and it is great to catch up and have him spend the night, and also we took the kids out for dinner tonight. Robyn's last dinner at home with us before she goes back to Old's for school. I'm so grateful for family, for the love and support they have given me all my life and especially over the last 300 days. I'm grateful for all I've learned since then and hopefully through this blog and other ways I will be able to share some of that with others and move forward in a positive way.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Funerals
I'm not sure how to put this... I've always enjoyed going to funerals. Not all of them, but some are incredible. You get to learn so much about the person who died, about their life, personality, quirks and more. I don't remember my father's funeral at all (I was 10) and my mother kind of had two. One in Halifax where people we didn't even know came to share her with us, and then again in Toronto where our family was. If my memory is correct - we weren't planning to do anything in Halifax, but her colleagues and friends from there asked for something. It was remarkable hearing all about the working side of my mother that we knew really very little about. It warmed our hearts. The Toronto one was pretty traditional, and I don't remember too much about it other than I was overwhelmed. I've been to too many funerals, but some have been quite beautiful. My friends husband Jim Darling had a lovely funeral - I really didn't know him at all but after the funeral I felt I had a bit of a sense of him. Those are the ones that I enjoy - even though the loss of the person is horrible, the remembrance is beautiful.
Our funeral for Kit was remarkable. I know that because it felt so right. He wouldn't have wanted any religion or ceremony. He loved music and things not thought through very well. Which is what it was. My brother in law Peter was the MC and he did such an amazing job of it, feeling so awkward not wearing a jacket and tie, but doing so because Kit wouldn't have appreciated that. The music played as people came in - Queen, Van Halen, Pink Floyd and others. Perfect - just what he loved. And then the tributes. His cousins and sister singing a song they wrote for him. So lovely, he would have been so touched by it. I wish he could have been there to hear them sing and hear Robyn play the guitar for him. Katie speaking about Ender's Game and totally making it real for all of us who haven't read it. Clearly showing how Kit would have connected so strongly to this book. Robyn reading one of his writings and so incredibly giving everyone at the funeral a bit of an insight into what was going on in his head. Telling us about the talking birds and his struggles with reality. She gave everyone a taste of what schizophrenia had given Kit.
Then there were Ryan, Brendan and Eddie's eulogies. Remembering their friend from years ago when he hung out with them, did projects with them, went to Beavers, Cubs and Scouts with them, and played video games, watched movies, when to Six Flags in New York and of course talking about girls. They showed me what a good friend Kit was to them, how they valued his friendship and missed the old Kit when he got sick. They promised to remember him always and to stay a part of our families lives. I'm so glad of that - they are wonderful young men.
Adam made a most beautiful video tribute of Kit which I will try to post here after. He pulled together some amazing video footage of the three of them when they were little, my favourite part being when Kit has climbed to the top of a light pole in Niagara Falls and I told him to get down. He said 'it's good, it's sticky' and 'no one else can climb that high'. He said he was fine and was mad that I thought it was scary!!! And after the video lots of pictures of the family on our many travels across the country from coast to coast. All played to one of Kit's favourite songs - Bohemian Rhapsody - which we would sing together as a family often and loud. I will miss those times with Kit. He was so carefree and not worried about doing silly things in public.
After a very short visit to his grave to place his ashes in their hole and say a few words from Hamlet we went back to the visitation. I know there were so many people there, over 400, and I only got to talk to a few. Probably more than I remember, but I remember getting hijacked by people and chatting and then never even getting into the room where the people were. I wish I could have spoken with everyone. I missed so many. I'd like to do that all over again... with a clearer head. The same thing happened at the visitation, I was in a fog and didn't talk to as many as I would have liked to. I wanted to hear everyone's stories about Kit. Please share them with me if you haven't already...
The people who I have talked to after the funeral said it was a beautiful tribute to Kit. On one of our memory cards from a friend says he didn't know Kit till that day, but through all the memories we shared he felt he could know a bit of him. That's what we hoped for. We wanted everyone to know what kind of kid our beautiful boy was and have an idea of what could have been if his life hadn't been cut short so soon.
In two days, Covenant House - the shelter that Kit lived in when he was on the street is having a memorial for him. We aren't getting to plan much of it, but they will play our video to share with those that knew him as a young man what he was like as a child. Hopefully they will be able to recognize parts of Kit as a boy in who he was as an adult. But most importantly, everyone will go home with a memory of Kit and their lives will be just that little bit more richer for having met him.
Our funeral for Kit was remarkable. I know that because it felt so right. He wouldn't have wanted any religion or ceremony. He loved music and things not thought through very well. Which is what it was. My brother in law Peter was the MC and he did such an amazing job of it, feeling so awkward not wearing a jacket and tie, but doing so because Kit wouldn't have appreciated that. The music played as people came in - Queen, Van Halen, Pink Floyd and others. Perfect - just what he loved. And then the tributes. His cousins and sister singing a song they wrote for him. So lovely, he would have been so touched by it. I wish he could have been there to hear them sing and hear Robyn play the guitar for him. Katie speaking about Ender's Game and totally making it real for all of us who haven't read it. Clearly showing how Kit would have connected so strongly to this book. Robyn reading one of his writings and so incredibly giving everyone at the funeral a bit of an insight into what was going on in his head. Telling us about the talking birds and his struggles with reality. She gave everyone a taste of what schizophrenia had given Kit.
Then there were Ryan, Brendan and Eddie's eulogies. Remembering their friend from years ago when he hung out with them, did projects with them, went to Beavers, Cubs and Scouts with them, and played video games, watched movies, when to Six Flags in New York and of course talking about girls. They showed me what a good friend Kit was to them, how they valued his friendship and missed the old Kit when he got sick. They promised to remember him always and to stay a part of our families lives. I'm so glad of that - they are wonderful young men.
Adam made a most beautiful video tribute of Kit which I will try to post here after. He pulled together some amazing video footage of the three of them when they were little, my favourite part being when Kit has climbed to the top of a light pole in Niagara Falls and I told him to get down. He said 'it's good, it's sticky' and 'no one else can climb that high'. He said he was fine and was mad that I thought it was scary!!! And after the video lots of pictures of the family on our many travels across the country from coast to coast. All played to one of Kit's favourite songs - Bohemian Rhapsody - which we would sing together as a family often and loud. I will miss those times with Kit. He was so carefree and not worried about doing silly things in public.
After a very short visit to his grave to place his ashes in their hole and say a few words from Hamlet we went back to the visitation. I know there were so many people there, over 400, and I only got to talk to a few. Probably more than I remember, but I remember getting hijacked by people and chatting and then never even getting into the room where the people were. I wish I could have spoken with everyone. I missed so many. I'd like to do that all over again... with a clearer head. The same thing happened at the visitation, I was in a fog and didn't talk to as many as I would have liked to. I wanted to hear everyone's stories about Kit. Please share them with me if you haven't already...
The people who I have talked to after the funeral said it was a beautiful tribute to Kit. On one of our memory cards from a friend says he didn't know Kit till that day, but through all the memories we shared he felt he could know a bit of him. That's what we hoped for. We wanted everyone to know what kind of kid our beautiful boy was and have an idea of what could have been if his life hadn't been cut short so soon.
In two days, Covenant House - the shelter that Kit lived in when he was on the street is having a memorial for him. We aren't getting to plan much of it, but they will play our video to share with those that knew him as a young man what he was like as a child. Hopefully they will be able to recognize parts of Kit as a boy in who he was as an adult. But most importantly, everyone will go home with a memory of Kit and their lives will be just that little bit more richer for having met him.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Aftermath
Well it's been four weeks and almost three days since Kit died. I'm not sure where to start writing... My last post was about how things had been going so well. Kit was living on his own for the past 14 months in his brother's basement doing what Kit does - smoke, eat and play video games. He was still hearing the voices, but he said the meds were keeping them a little quieter. He was certainly so much better than he was in December 2011 when he had his last hospital admission. He never complained about getting his monthly shot and would call us the night before to remind us... That was definitely a first. His daily life was functional, not great, but he'd get up, smoke, sleep a bit more, eat spaghetti, shwarma or McD's for lunch, smoke some more, play video games or spend time on his computer. For dinner he had fish sticks and peas. Yup - every night. Well of course we had him over or out for dinner at least once a week, but he seemed to be doing quite well. Other than the fact that he said he still heard voices all the time and his delusion of living in a world that didn't exist he was easy to get along with.
But we were wrong. I don't know what he was thinking when he jumped off the Leaside Bridge at 6 am on Saturday, March 9th. It could have been many things... Life is so terrible and not worth living and I'm helpless and hopeless... or 'The Controller' has a reward for me that I get to receive upon jumping... or maybe he was psychotic from the five or more ritalin he snorted sometime between Friday night at 8 and Saturday morning and he thought he could fly... We'll never know, and I guess it doesn't really matter. His psychiatrist today said maybe he felt that because it was a virtual world he didn't think anything would happen when he jumped - that it would be like Groundhog Day and he'd just wake up the next morning and it would be a new day. I just hope he knew we loved him which I'm sure he did.
I was with him the night before he died. I went over to bring him his favourite book - Ender's Game - and his weekly does of Ritalin. I had to give him extra as my daughter and I were going to go to St. Lucia on the 11th. He was a bit shaky, but really the same as usual. I offered him a beer, but he said no, then changed his mind and had one. We sat upstairs with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. We chatted, he drank his beer, went out for a smoke and then went downstairs. I went down after a bit and he was sitting on his bed writing in a notebook. I told him I loved him, I'd be over tomorrow to take him out for lunch and he said he loved me too and I hugged him goodbye. I don't think he was thinking then that we wouldn't see each other ever again.
I do know one thing now. He isn't hearing the voices anymore. Nothing is tearing him up inside and telling him he is worthless anymore. He's at peace. Gone from this world.
But we were wrong. I don't know what he was thinking when he jumped off the Leaside Bridge at 6 am on Saturday, March 9th. It could have been many things... Life is so terrible and not worth living and I'm helpless and hopeless... or 'The Controller' has a reward for me that I get to receive upon jumping... or maybe he was psychotic from the five or more ritalin he snorted sometime between Friday night at 8 and Saturday morning and he thought he could fly... We'll never know, and I guess it doesn't really matter. His psychiatrist today said maybe he felt that because it was a virtual world he didn't think anything would happen when he jumped - that it would be like Groundhog Day and he'd just wake up the next morning and it would be a new day. I just hope he knew we loved him which I'm sure he did.
I was with him the night before he died. I went over to bring him his favourite book - Ender's Game - and his weekly does of Ritalin. I had to give him extra as my daughter and I were going to go to St. Lucia on the 11th. He was a bit shaky, but really the same as usual. I offered him a beer, but he said no, then changed his mind and had one. We sat upstairs with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. We chatted, he drank his beer, went out for a smoke and then went downstairs. I went down after a bit and he was sitting on his bed writing in a notebook. I told him I loved him, I'd be over tomorrow to take him out for lunch and he said he loved me too and I hugged him goodbye. I don't think he was thinking then that we wouldn't see each other ever again.
I do know one thing now. He isn't hearing the voices anymore. Nothing is tearing him up inside and telling him he is worthless anymore. He's at peace. Gone from this world.
Obituary
CHRISTOPHER (KIT) SKELLY
April 21, 1989 – March 9, 2013
It is with deep sorrow
that we announce Kit’s tragic death on March 9, 2013 after a tortuous battle
with schizophrenia. Kit was the very,
very much loved son of David & Lesley (nee Adamson) Skelly and most
awesome brother to Adam and Robyn. He
was so loved by his large extended family and will be greatly missed by his many
aunts and uncles and 23 cousins. Kit
will forever be remembered as a gentle soul who loved music. An accomplished pianist, Kit loved his guitar and was the
lead in two high school musicals. He
was also a great writer, winning a national award for writing when he was
nine. There was never a video game that
Kit could not master. From the age of
seven Kit wanted to be a doctor and spent two years at Guelph University
studying biology before his illness overwhelmed him.
Kit was a great friend
who generously shared his clever sense of humour and his love. His friends were very important to him as he
grew up. He touched so many but will be
especially missed by Brendan, Eddie, Ryan and Seung Woo.
We want to thank our
incredible families, our amazing friends, Dr. Ralph Lewis and the staff at
Sunnybrook’s psychiatric unit. Also a
big thank you to Covenant House who sheltered him during some of his most
difficult times. In lieu of flowers
donations will be gratefully accepted by Covenant House and the Schizophrenia
Society of Ontario.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Calm seas
Well it has been ages since I've written... Life has been a bit busy, and then it's not and just when you think it's all calm you get tricked and you're on rough seas again. Not that the seas have been too rough lately, just a few swells and some tricky waves to avoid. Fortunately nothing to do with Kit. His seas have been calm.
The last time I wrote I had been to some advisory board meetings and from those I have been asked to work with Janssen Pharmaceuticals on a media campaign focusing on caregivers. It's not about their drug (although I guess ultimately they like me because we like these shots) but it's really about what it's like to be the care giver for a loved one with schizophrenia. It's been quite fun - I was interviewed on a London, ON radio station, then was on Rogers TV. Both were a stretch for me - I'm not a public speaker, but since I totally believe in making sure care givers get more support, I guess I felt I could speak to this. The radio one was easy - they edited the whole thing and brought it down to about a minute. But being on live TV was a bit nerve wracking. I was on with a Dr. Ruth Baruch who is a psychiatrist in Toronto. She talked about the medical side of the illness and the importance of family in recovery and I told some of my story. I really enjoyed doing it with Ruth. We were supposed to be on CP24 at noon yesterday but the Grey Cup Parade had us postponed to a later date. The great thing about all of it is that the caregiver survey was done by Janssen but we are not expected or even encouraged to speak at all about medication. I would feel a bit uncomfortable if I was promoting their medication - as I know that each person reacts differently to each medication, and that for some people medication isn't the only answer. There are just so many different ways of approaching mental illness - it's very personal.
The exciting this for me is I have been invited to Banff by Janssen to speak to their sales reps about caring for someone with SZ. They are flying me out on Monday and I speak on Tuesday. It's just to about 40 sales persons, and in small groups of eight or so at a time. It should be really interesting to see their perception of the illness and for them to hear from someone who is living with someone who has it. I'm assuming some of them will have some idea about what it's like, and others won't. Anyhow - I'm kind of excited to have a paid vacation!! This will be the first time I will have traveled by myself in many years. I have a good friend in Calgary who is going to come up to Banff to spend a day after with me. That will be so lovely. Then later in December they have asked me to come speak to their annual meeting of 400 people... YIKES!!
For those of you wondering how my boy is doing - he's good. Has been working for us at the shop a bit here and there helping with inventory. He's not doing much else but he seems to be okay. One year now of renting Adam's basement. Time just flies by.
The last time I wrote I had been to some advisory board meetings and from those I have been asked to work with Janssen Pharmaceuticals on a media campaign focusing on caregivers. It's not about their drug (although I guess ultimately they like me because we like these shots) but it's really about what it's like to be the care giver for a loved one with schizophrenia. It's been quite fun - I was interviewed on a London, ON radio station, then was on Rogers TV. Both were a stretch for me - I'm not a public speaker, but since I totally believe in making sure care givers get more support, I guess I felt I could speak to this. The radio one was easy - they edited the whole thing and brought it down to about a minute. But being on live TV was a bit nerve wracking. I was on with a Dr. Ruth Baruch who is a psychiatrist in Toronto. She talked about the medical side of the illness and the importance of family in recovery and I told some of my story. I really enjoyed doing it with Ruth. We were supposed to be on CP24 at noon yesterday but the Grey Cup Parade had us postponed to a later date. The great thing about all of it is that the caregiver survey was done by Janssen but we are not expected or even encouraged to speak at all about medication. I would feel a bit uncomfortable if I was promoting their medication - as I know that each person reacts differently to each medication, and that for some people medication isn't the only answer. There are just so many different ways of approaching mental illness - it's very personal.
The exciting this for me is I have been invited to Banff by Janssen to speak to their sales reps about caring for someone with SZ. They are flying me out on Monday and I speak on Tuesday. It's just to about 40 sales persons, and in small groups of eight or so at a time. It should be really interesting to see their perception of the illness and for them to hear from someone who is living with someone who has it. I'm assuming some of them will have some idea about what it's like, and others won't. Anyhow - I'm kind of excited to have a paid vacation!! This will be the first time I will have traveled by myself in many years. I have a good friend in Calgary who is going to come up to Banff to spend a day after with me. That will be so lovely. Then later in December they have asked me to come speak to their annual meeting of 400 people... YIKES!!
For those of you wondering how my boy is doing - he's good. Has been working for us at the shop a bit here and there helping with inventory. He's not doing much else but he seems to be okay. One year now of renting Adam's basement. Time just flies by.
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